january 6, 2012
An old journal entry I recently came across
mid flight from albuquerque to newark
terror momentarily passes through me.
for the first time
in my life
the possibility
that we, that I,
just might not change the world after all.
—
really?!
no. it can’t be…
maybe I’m already changing the world
maybe this child welfare project in New Mexico?
that won’t do it
maybe it is about children though
maybe it’s about teaching the youth to change the world if I can’t change it
—
maybe it doesn’t matter
there will always be conflict, suffering
maybe it’s about detaching myself from suffering
yes, maybe the perfect world already exists
only exists
in another realm
—
perfect world? is that what I’m looking for?
maybe humanity will always cycle
discovery-beauty-nature-destruction-rebirth
can I accept that?
can I accept that for my children? let them live
through an age of destruction?
let the beauty of nature skip their generation, or maybe two?
no
maybe they’ll find their own beauty amidst the destruction
yes
no
do I even have a choice?
—
what am I really trying to protect then?
what does changing the world mean?
it’s not about changing the world
it’s not about preventing suffering, inequality
—
maybe I yearn simply to know
for certain
that it’ll all be alright
that the pain, suffering, unfairness will go away
eventually
That we’ll figure it out
eventually
is that what I seek?
attaining absolute certainty?
—
an untiring quest for knowledge
is my quest for certainty
that it will all be okay
—
that’s why the cycle of destruction and rebirth feels so untenable
why we cannot delay attaining knowledge, knowledge of everything
why we don’t have time to relearn past lessons, to remake new discoveries
to relearn the world
we must learn it all
make sense of it all
be certain
now
—
no
certainty won’t get us there
even if we knew
really knew
how we’re connected
to everything
how we all fit together
our destiny intertwined
we still couldn’t, we still wouldn’t, stop the pain
no. perfect knowledge, perfect certainty, my seeking of both won’t do it
—
my terror is the terror of never really knowing if it’ll all be okay
—
can I accept not knowing?
and still believe?
can I accept not knowing?
and still try?
do I have a choice?
—
can I give my all without ever knowing it’ll make a difference?
can I be driven by JOY?
maybe it’ll open new possibilities
reach more people, more deeply
maybe the JOY
of striving
with no guarantee
is what it’s about.
not the results. not the certainty.
—
maybe the JOY alone
experienced and shared
in the pursuit of the worthy, the noble, the unattainable
is the path
toward the worthy, the noble and the attainable
—
yes
I can try this
I can work with this
for awhile, at least
forever even
maybe
Eric Martin is the Author of Your Leadership Moment. He is also the Founder of Adaptive Change Advisors (ACA), the preeminent organization for mission-driven Adaptive Leadership development.
